I always wanted to stay covered up and hidden.
I had reduced myself to a dark shell, built off of insecurity and doubt.
I felt unworthy of doing all the things in life I wanted to.
Too many people around fat shame and I was scared to death I'd be part of that.
So I hid and put off everything.
I cried alone at night.
The scales, measuring tapes, and clothes all were above and beyond anything I had ever imagined myself to be at 25 years old. Holy crap.
Not only that, but I wasn't 100% with my husband. My kids. Friends and family.
I walked around feeling sorry for myself and ashamed of my appearance.
Why can't I bounce back like some of these other moms? I'd ask myself frequently.
If you've read my blog, you'll already know 19 months later I'm 75 lbs down, lost the weight, had my tummy tuck for a hernia repair and excess skin removal (it's not a weight loss surgery, it only removes stretched skin and fixes your muscles) I never expected to have a transformation story. Ever. After my first 2 kids, I pretty much looked the same.. maybe 10-15 lbs lost after.. but 185-190 was my base and I couldn't escape it. Before kids I was 165.
Something I've realized since I started my journey is that there are many many many women out there going through the same thing. Even guys with weight loss. It's a long, hard, and rough road to travel down, and even harder to u-turn and come back around from.
But it's do-able.
In the last year I've talked to tons of other women, and men, about where they are with their health.
Fitness, gym talk, and weight loss is part of my daily convos at some point.
I just want to say this to my readers, my friends, my family:
I know it's hard.
It's a pain the ass!
And it freakin' hurts too.
Your knees, your joints.
Every muscle ache.
Your cravings for all the bad shit you wanna eat. And maybe you do cave sometimes. Hell I do still.
Shin splints and headaches.
Friends, I feel it!
The struggle is so there and so real, and it feels so incredibly slow while you're trying to u-turn around from your starting point.
But you know what?
You can so effing do this!
Something inside me snapped at the end of last July.
A light maybe? It just sparked.
And suddenly after weeks of starting slow I saw progress.
I competed with myself.
Comparing myself to others wasn't good, because I'm not them.
I am me.
And I always will be.
So my future fit self as to compete with my current being.
You have to believe:
I can do this.
I'm going to finish this workout today.
I can eat this heathy _______ meal/snack and give this junk food for now. I can get through today.
I will drink water.
I will not smoke and do drugs that will harm my body.
I will get rest because my body needs it to heal and rebuild.
I had to do this day-by-day.
Make it a chore list, or a competition with yourself.
You MUST finish it daily. And then before you know it, it's Friday.
Weigh in, and measure, and take photos.
Do it again next week.
And again the following.
Make it your appointment with yourself.
Some weeks might have tons of progress, others might not.
But you keep pushing.
Think of this.
You start to draw a photo.
When the pencil touches the paper, your whole sketch isn't done right from the get go.
Sometimes we mess up, and have to erase and start lines over again.
Some times we have to take our time to get tiny details right before we can move on to a different part of the drawing... but eventually you get to a point where your ideas are on paper, and they are recognizable and before long your drawing is an image that everyone can see what it is!
Go even further and you can color in your drawing.
Point being is.. it will not happen the second you start. But it adds up.
I had to do this.
I busted my ass for this.
Tracked every few days till it was routine.
Routine is so important.
I got excited to see progress.
And even if there wasn't any progress, then I knew I hadn't finished my work yet.
I had work to do again the next day, and then the next after that.
And when progress did show, even if it was 0.5 of an inch loss, or 0.5 of a pound gone, that kept me going.
Whoever you are reading this, if you are on a journey right now.
Don't stop.
Our lines might not be straight, and we might have to back track and erase a few things and start over, but your dream image in your head is happening, you just need to keep sketching(working on it!)
Any feeling of "I'm not worthy, I can't, I'm to big" will be washed away.
I felt like I wasn't worthy of doing all the things I loved because of my struggle in the beginning, but as progress happened, I started to feel good, and proud of what I was accomplishing.
You WILL feel powerful, and strong, and beautiful and SO worthy because of all the effort, and sweat, and tears, and just sheer will power to get up and push yourself past the limits.
If you're wondering if it's possible to lose 10, 20, 30, 40, 50+ lbs. IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
And you know, every moment you struggle in your workouts, sweating your ass off, pushing yourself (at home, outside, at the gym, wherever you workout), and every sacrifice you make in the kitchen when you eat -- is so worth it!
And if anyone tries to poke fun of you, or detour you, or just bring negativity in your life during this, then you kick them out. Because you do NOT need that!
Your self worth, your confidence, and maybe even your happiness you're missing right now at the start of your journey (how I was feeling when I started) is there. You won't have to step outside of the box, you're going to shred that thing apart, and when you do, you're going to come out on the other side feeling amazing, and powerful because you'll know, you can do anything and that nothing is impossible, and that most of all, you are worthy of all the happiness in the world. <3
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