My silent battle with depression.

Yes.
You read the title of this post correctly.
I have battled a long time with depression.
Silently, that is.

Most of my friends and family who know me personally probably wouldn't have guessed I have struggled with this before. Many times, actually.

In general, I'm a pretty happy person.
 I love being around people.
I crave it actually.
I'm a hugger and will become very emotionally attached to the ones I am closest with.
Especially family, and if you're a really good friend of mine, you will quickly gain a family title status.

I am an artistic person, driven by sensory stimulation. I could be in the middle of taking test, or cooking dinner and something will strike me and I'll have to grab a pen or pencil and scribble down my idea before it merges into the next thought. (I swear I have ADHD because of this)



I love to write. I have a fiction novel coming out next year (one way or another) that I've worked on for about 10 years now and it has been a huge weight on my shoulders to complete. The characters here are like my family, or children if you think about it since I created them. Writing allows me to not only express myself, and pour my inner most thoughts onto a page or blog, but I can create a world entirely out of nothing and it allows me to become someone else and visit places that may or may not really exist. A stay-cation up in the noggin if you will, haha.

I also love love love loveeeeeeee to stay physically active and will sparkle in delight if something seems challenging to do. I've been doing taekwondo, and swim teams, gymnastics, as well as weight lifting since I was in middle school. Running marathons, racing through obstacle courses, and perhaps a fitness competition are on my radar soon for 2015/2016. :)

I also LOVE being a mommy to my 3 bitties, and a wife to my wonderful husband, Eric.

So why would I fall into depression?

This question was something I had asked myself many times in the last year. Maybe two.
See, before kids I was self conscious of myself. I might have always seemed like a confident person, but I had things about me physically before that I would sometimes feel uneasy about. I think every girl has a moment of that. (looking back at myself now I wanna kick old me in the shin for it too!)
However, it wasn't bad. It was only sometimes I let this problem surface, but I never let it slow me down with what I wanted to go out and do.

Right before I had kids, I thought. "Hey! I was active! I'll bounce right back!"

WRONG. 

I had gone from 160-165ish to 230 my first time, down to 188 and back to 210 with my second, and from 180 to 235 with my 3rd pregnancy. I. got. huge.

 I am a tall girl standing in at 5'9" with broad shoulders, and a full chest that I got over night at 18 from an 'okay' plastic surgeon.

Gaining that weight shook the ground from under my feet and when none of it fell off right away, I was mortified. My chest ballooned in 2 years from a 36AAA, to 36C with implants, and then exploded to a 42EE when I was nursing.
I didn't see that coming at all before I had implants or I would have never had them done before kids.

Having a 9.5 pound baby in a short torso (I'm literally all legs) and a c-section with the weight gain mentioned above left me scarred and stretched out beyond repair at the time. I was unrecognizable in my 19 year old body, going into my 20's.

Post partum depression had it's firm grip around my conscious for several months into the early days of me joining mommy hood for the first time and I had no idea how to cope with it. I also struggled to come to terms that I had to have a c-section when I had these plans to delivery a  totally different way. I felt like I had lost myself.

Repeat this 2 more times.



----

Now pause for just a moment. Before I get too far ahead I wanted to point out a few things.

I was thrilled to death being a mom from day one. Scared to death too! I had never held a baby before so this was so alien!! I kept thinking I'd break them or they'd never survive with me being their unseasoned mom, but somehow I was doing a decent enough job and they are happy and healthy today, LOL.

I was thankful I was capable of carrying a baby in my tummy. Despite how I felt right after the delivery and finally being able to see what unstretched-strechmarks looked like a week post delivery. I did marvel in the thought of how delicate pregnancy is and how cool it was that we can grow another human inside. This drove me right away in wanting more kids. Before my first, I wasn't sure if I had wanted any at all, so this kinda shocked a few friends and family when I was all about it after my first.

With how I think on a regular basis, I had these 'oh this is so cool" "wow I'm a mom!" "I love my baby she's amazing!" thoughts.. mixed in with my already seeded thoughts of "what am I going to do with my body?!" from long before I even fell pregnant. It was a constant back and forth struggle.

I don't want anyone to think I didn't enjoy being a mom, or that I didn't love my kids or my husband.
They were the ones that kept me going. I was MOM and WIFE. That was my universe.
I poured my heart and everything into those two things.
But nothing else.


----

So months after my kids were born, I kinda went into a groove of things and fell complacent with how I looked and felt. That was it, right?
This was going to be me forever.
I can't change this.
Nopenopenopenope.


After my first two I hardly tried. I never could fix how I was and it pained me daily. I wanted to hide myself because I had this huge skin flap I had to tuck in my jeans, wrinkled skin on my stomach that bounced with every step I took and warmed my lap when I sat down from pooching everywhere, the extra weight that would never go away, and such a shortage on energy that I gave up everything I wanted to do and loved outside of being a mom and wife.

My love of sports activities was gone. I was too big. It hurt to stretch and move.
My art suffered because I never left the house, or wanted to really create. I lost the stimulation from just sitting inside and zoning out.
My writing survived but it struggled, which is why part of my book I'm doing now took forever. I just didn't feel like me anymore and I couldn't climb out of my dark space. My inspiration lagged.

I sat there for 5 years actually.
I had good days and I tried. I smiled.
I actually became very good at smiling though my struggles.

At the end of 2013 though something clicked.
I found several things on a few fitness group where moms who looked like me had these wild transformations. I began talking to my husband and my trainer Joe about things and finally one day something stirred under all the layers and layers of doubt.



I saw a challenge.

Old Megan was laying dormant under the surface, but was picking at a teeny opening.
That was last October.
That day we got a gym membership.
I hadn't wanted to take on a challenge like this in 5 years.

I started lifting weights and doing more cardio.
Eating better and exploring new options and tracking everything I ate.
I wore my Body Media band and it told me what I burned vs. consumed.
And quickly I saw changes.
20 lbs in one month actually.

Fast forward to this past summer and I was down a total 60 lbs.
I had NEVER felt better before.
My knees didn't hurt like they used to.
My skin cleared up and I stopped breaking out all over.
My hypothyroidism was under control for the first time in 5 years!
(I will post on this later on... but this was a big big deal for me and my doctor)
And I had energy! No more 3 hour naps during the middle of the day!!

I wanted to go out, create, write, draw, and make friends finally!
My confidence was returning.


All of this was before my surgery a few months ago.
All before I found out that I could get my tummy tuck.
I had flaws but embraced them, because I battled something much bigger.
And I was OK.

The moral of this story I'm sharing today (if you read this far down) is that YES.
YES YOU CAN.

I saw an inspirational quote online last night and it made me want to write this this morning.

"Your possibilities are endless.
 You are never stuck where you are."

And that is exactly what it was like for me. 

No matter who you are. You are NEVER stuck. You can make the change like I did.
You are strong. You are beautiful.
You just have to believe in yourself that you can do it. 

If you are struggling and need some motivation, please don't hesitate to message me and talk.
<3

I hope this helped someone today.
Keep looking forward!


XOXO